Several years ago my husband of over 40 years died and it fell to me to do the usual things one does at the death of a loved one … plan a Memorial Service, write an obituary, notify friends, file a will, and manage all the myriad details, financial and otherwise, connected to the termination of a life, as well as enter into a stage of grieving.

It started me on a deeper journey that I had been on most of my life, namely asking myself the questions most of us deal with in one way or another:  Who am I?  What am I doing here?  Who are those other people?  As I handled the details of the will and transfer of assets to me as the primary beneficiary,  I realized that at some time in the future my four children would be dealing with my will, and trying to make fair and adequate distributions of my material possessions. 

It came to me then that I did not wish to be defined by material things or accomplishments … net worth, degrees, possessions.  I wished to leave far more than that to my heirs.  I wanted to leave a legacy in some form that defined to the best of my ability what I thought my life had meant, or at least some explanation of why I did what I did, how people and events had changed the course of my life, what things really mattered to me, and why, when I came to a fork in the road, I chose one over the other.  I also wanted to pass on the wisdom I had gained through my life experiences.  Most of all, I wanted to review my life for myself, so that when it came time to relinquish it I could do so with satisfaction and grace, resting in the peace that I had done the best I could under the circumstances, believing that life really is worthwhile and does make sense.  I also saw this as an opportunity to continue to live fully for however many days, weeks, months or years I had left;, finish any unfinished business (forgiveness, reconciliation, put my affairs in order, things I still need to learn), embark on new adventures, and continue to grow in conscious awareness of all that is. 

In my youth I had many dreams and plans, but as the years passed and I became engaged in the business of living, getting married, having four children in five years, being the wife of a pastor, going on to graduate school, teaching, becoming a psychotherapist, I think I was often on “automatic pilot.”  Now I wanted to “live consciously” with the awareness that every thought word and deed had consequences and I could choose.  I decided I did not want my life to run out before I got to accomplish all or most of my dreams.  I did not want to die with my music still in me.  And finally, at the end, I would want to die consciously as well.

  In my most recent Christmas letter I included a quote by Dawna Markova from her book “I will not die an unlived life” which has become both a challenge and an intention for my life:

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which  came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Socrates (470 BC-399 BC), the ancient Greek philosopher, has been quoted by Plato as having said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  I began thinking about this, and in time it became an imperative for me.  In order to leave the kind of legacy I desired for my family and friends, and to continue living a life of meaning and purpose, I decided to begin a study of examining my life and eventually sharing the experience with others.  In the few years since that decision, I have felt more fully alive than ever and I have learned to celebrate life every day.  I have been on some incredible adventures.  I have become aware of the divine thread that runs through me and connects all beings to each other.  Though I may never know all the answers to life’s questions, I am learning to live the questions and trust in the rightness of the outcomes.

This website is one of the results of my life examination.  I hope it will be a place of connecting with other individuals who are consciously living life’s questions and who want to compose a personal legacy that might enable others to live a bigger life than you have.  Though the desire to do this kind of life review might come in the second half of life, I think it is appropriate at any time.  The earlier one starts, the more awake to life one will be.  The more awake, the more conscious one’s choices.  And though there will always be a mystery about life, one need not be a victim.

I invite you to join me on this path of self-discovery and share your journey with me.  I invite you to begin by addressing some or all of the questions and thought provokers provided under “The Process.”  I welcome your feedback, insights and progress.

I live in Seattle and will offer workshops periodically so we can get together and share what we are learning and support each other in the process.  I welcome any suggestions you might have and look forward to hearing from you.